After my last post called "Yes, Carpe Diem!" my eyes were open a little to see how many amazing mothers are having feelings of guilt on a regular basis, if not daily. I thought of this analogy.
You've heard about a place called Disneyland and you really want to experience it for yourself. You hope and dream about it, work hard to save up enough money, and then the awesome awaited day comes. It's not quite how you imagined. The lines are long. It's loud and confusing. The first ride gives you a headache. Your back hurts and your feet are tired from walking so much. You look around and everyone seems to be having a great time except for you. You tell someone you aren't having any fun and they respond surprised, "How can you not like Disneyland? You must not be doing it right. Did you go get your fast passes and plan out your whole day minute by minute?" At that point you can give up all your hopes and dreams of having a good time at Disneyland and leave deciding that Disneyland is just too confusing for you to figure out. Or you can take a deep breath, go get a map and figure out how you can enjoy yourself more.I believe there are two kinds of guilt. One that God wants us to feel to inspire us to change for the better and one that Satan wants us to feel to be miserable and depressed. I will call them beautiful guilt and ugly guilt. It is important to remember that Satan can change beautiful guilt into ugly guilt and God can change ugly guilt into beautiful guilt. It all depends on us and who we let in.
So let's say that you snap at one of your kids, they start acting up because they feel hurt, and you start snapping more because they are acting up. Ugly guilts says, "You are so awful. You are always yelling. You will never change. When your child grows up, he is going to remember this day FOREVER and hate you for it. You are such a horrible mother. You never get any sleep anymore. That's why you're so grumpy. These kids are ruining your life." Beautiful guilt says, "You are snapping at your kids because your tired. Tomorrow will be better. Go give your child a hug and tell them that you love them. Maybe you should start going to bed a little earlier or figure out a way to take a nap during the day. You can fix this problem."
Ugly guilt is just that ~ Ugly ~ very very ugly. It tells you that you are worthless. You can't do anything right. You mess up every single day. You will never be good enough. You feel despair, sadness and realize that you better just give up, because you will never be the kind of person that you want to become. Hopelessness sinks in. You feel you better just give up now.
Beautiful guilt is a gentle reminder of things we could improve to be happier. We see our strengths, but we also see our weaknesses. We identify a problem and decide to work on fixing it. We feel inspired and motivated to change. We feel hope and realize we can do anything we put our minds to. We realize it takes time to change and that we need to be patient with ourselves. We feel determined. We feel God's love and confidence in us.
Who are you listening to?
You have no idea how much I needed this today. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteOK. Let's see if I can put into words the thoughts that have been floating through my mind. I read both of your posts, but hadn't yet responded to the first because I've been thinking about what my stance was and how to best put it.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, who knew such a debate would be sparked when I tagged you in that article I posted! :) It's fun and interesting to read all the points of view.
This is my story of being a mom: I L.O.V.E. being a mom. It completely fulfills me and brings me more joy each day than I ever knew. That being said, it took me a couple years to arrive at those feelings. I looked forward to being a mother my whole life. As a young girl, when I looked forward to my future, there wasn't a career in the plans, only motherhood. And thanks be to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with this. I had such anticipation, and than, WHAMMO! My first child was born. It began with a horrible labor and delivery which left me too weak to even hold my baby without assistance for the first week. I spiraled into shock as I began experiencing the brutal realities of life with a newborn. My first born was a very difficult baby. He did not stop crying for 3 months at least. At one point, I remember thinking "Whose idea of a cruel joke is this!?!?" This motherhood business was nothing at all like I had had in mind. It was so so so hard for me. My L&D recovery was hard, I suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety for the few months, I was sleep-deprived, and I now had this little stranger in my house who I loved completely but who also made it impossible to do something even as simple as shower. There were so many little things that I was completely unprepared for. My life was turned up on it's head. I remember many nights, laying Eric down in his bassinet at the end of the day, and thinking to myself, "One more day done." I was completely and utterly exhausted and at my wits end of what to do with this child. When I looked around me at other moms, they seemed to have it all together. It looked so easy for them.
I carried on. Days, months passed. Pretty soon, Eric was a toddler and I was expecting baby #2! Even after my experience with my first, I was very excited for another baby. Nicole was a dream! Such a delightful little baby. I was better prepared this time for those first few months following her birth. There were still difficult, but I realized now that they would pass and things would get easier. I also realized that my experience with my first baby was not necessarily "the norm." Eric was just a particularly frustrated little baby.
By the time baby#3 arrived, I had been a mom for four years now, and had started figuring out this whole mom business. I was very excited to bring Audrey home from the hospital. I knew things would be more smooth than they had in the past. It had been so hard for me in the beginning, that I had worked really hard to figure out how to be better at all of my new responsibilities. And it paid off. Yes, those first few months with a newborn were difficult, they always are for me, but I knew now that I could do this! And do it well! It's hard, but I loved it!
And all this babble brings me to this. After I became a mother, it took me a long time to get me sea legs under me, so to speak. I had a lot of lessons to learn and adjustments to make. The biggest thing I had to learn to accept was to enjoy the realities of my new reality! For example, with my first, I hated having to leave the room at a social gathering to go nurse my baby. I didn't want to miss any fun! I tried nursing incognito, but that never went well. At some point, I decided that this was my life now so I had to enjoy it! Instead of wishing so badly to be back in the room with the adult conversation, I made up my mind to enjoy those precious few moments alone with my nursing baby in a quiet room. I learned to appreciate the fleeting moment for what it was. (cont. on next post.)
All this endless chatter I hope will help others see what it was that I liked in the article "Don't Carpe-Diem." When I read the article, I wasn't sure at first that I agreed with her. And then I got to this point in the article:
ReplyDelete"But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."
I loved that so much! Because in my experience, for the longest time I felt like I was the only one having a hard time learning how to be a mom. Everyone else made it look so easy. I had to re-learn my entire life! Once I learned that I wasn't such an odd ball, I appreciated so much anyone who would be frank and honest about the difficulties of motherhood. As a result, I try to be real and honest with others about myself and my experiences as a mom, so that if there is another first time mom somewhere struggling like I did, hope my experiences can help her learn that she's not alone and it will get better.
That is the message I took from the article, because that is the part that stuck with me. Honestly, it doesn't bother me at all when someone tells me to cherish every moment, or that time will go so quickly. I appreciate the reminder and have made a conscience effort over the years to appreciate the little moments that happen throughout the day. I can see all the time that right now really will be the "good ol' days." I love my children with a love I never knew before. They take my breath away each day. They do so many little things that some people would say I should scold them for, like dumping a box of cereal all over, but I can't help but find it adorable sometimes. Or when I find them basking in the success of having snuck an entire sleeve of crackers downstairs and eaten it all. I look around sometimes when my little family is all together, and it blows me away realizing how blessed we are. We have it all. Eachother. And now that we are expecting baby #4, I'm very excited for another sweet little angel to join our family. I'm excited, and I'm terrified. :)
This is something that I truly needed to hear. Thank you for writing it.
ReplyDelete